Speaking of bollocks...

I remember at one stage when I lived in Sydney I had a dog. This day I was buying a large bag of Pal chunky bits at the local Coles supermarket and was standing in a queue at the check out. A woman standing in line behind me then asked me if I had a dog.

I told her that no, I was actually planning to try the 'Pal Diet' again. The what diet? she asks. The Pal Diet, says I, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it worked was to fill up your pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete and so, bugger it, I am going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a bloke who was in line behind yer one.)

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting on the road licking my balls when a car hit me.

Stupid bitch, why else would I be buying dog food?

There are no rules to blogging...bollocks

There are no rules to blogging, man. Create yer own space, man. Say what ya wanna say.

Bollocks. Of course there are rules to blogging, as I was reliably informed the other day. The first one is you need to add blogs on a fairly regular basis. See this is hard for me. I mean, lets face it, blogging is really just an exhibitionist's 'Dear Diary'.
I had a bad day. Boohoohoo. Woe is me. Now wait a minute, if I write it down and post it on a blog everyone will know how sad and unfortunate I am. I can share my misery.

Now this is an issue for me because I have never been good at doing anything on a regular basis. I am more your 'will-get-to-it-eventually' type guy. I used to start diaries when I was younger. They would start with lengthy diatribes for the first few days and then become shorter and more sporadic as time went on. Eventually, after two weeks or so (if I was really dedicated) the final entry would start, "Dear Diary..." and that would be the end of it.

Of course, there are also other rules to blogs. Link other bloggers in the 'blogosphere' (what a wank - the term, not the bloggers) who you admire, add in some news links, funnny picture links, youtube bits and pieces - anything that can help drive traffic to your site.

In fact, take every step you can to become a complete traffic whore so you can say to your mates: 'Oh really, well I have 5,000 visitors to my site today dontchano.'

Look, quite frankly if I have something interesting to say (at least as far as I am concerned) I will write it; if a blog catches my attention, I will point it out; if I see a great picture, I will rip it off and stick it here; and that, ladies and gentlemen, is that.

BTW did you see the news story about the singer from Metallica who got interrogated at Lucan airport because his beard was too "taliban-like"? Now that is funny.

Thank Christ all this terrorism stuff broke out after my grandmother died. She never would have made it through Luton airport.

"Excuse me madam, if in fact you are a madam. You seem to be sporting a Bin Laden. We will need to interrogate you for three hours." (Sound of rubber glove being snapped into place).


Copulater